


Eating At Me

by nervouswriting



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Probably ooc, Unrequited Love, Vomiting, diets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervouswriting/pseuds/nervouswriting
Summary: A remark about Wally's constant eating causes him to try out a little experiment. It's all fine since it can't actually hurt him, nothing could.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *ends up being such a nervous writer that i don't post anything for a year, spending the time completely diving into another fandom and finally getting an ok fanfiction done, but still hella nervous* Hiya. 
> 
> I'd like to actually just quickly thank all the kudos and views on the fanfic I made a goddamned year ago, never thought it'd do that well, but I was pleasantly surprised! So yeah, thank you everyone who read and liked that, where ever you may be at this moment.
> 
> Aand to this story now uh, fair warning it's not that well planned out, I've only written the chapter you're on right now, the first one. I have ideas for other chapters that I would've written before even posting the first one, but I was kind of hoping this would somehow pressure me to continuing. (Especially if people like it, *generic nervous audience laughter*.)
> 
> Bleh blah, hope you enjoy it.

The TV opened with a news report on the latest victory of the team of young heroes, no matter what channel number Robin clicked on, it was the same telling of the same incident. Robin seemed a bit smug about that, while Wally was just a little bewildered, it's not like it was _that_ big of a deal. A couple thugs who somehow got their hands on high-tech alien technology, blasted a couple buildings (empty at that late at night), and got their butts kicked in less than 2 hours. The team had dealt with way worse, like, _"Think you'll be able to sleep after this? Think again."_  kinda worse.

Either way, it was nice to get some recognition. Though Wally still winced every time the reporters called them "sidekicks", you'd think after seeing them handle so many missions as their own team the label would wear off, but you'd be wrong.

The team had decided to rest at the mountain after the mission, being too pumped on adrenaline yet still worn out by the fighting to separate to their own homes yet. Well, except for Megan and Conner, who were probably being all couple-y in another room for all Wally knew. He stuffed his mouth with a week old cake a bit more bitterly (the cake was still fine and no one else seemed to be wanting to eat it, so he figured it'd be alright if he did), still trying to get used to all high and mighty Superboy randomly swooping up the girl he totally had dibs on- Oh god that sounds so "nice guy"-ish though, he thought with a sick twist in his stomach, remembering all the memes Robin sent him, late at night after he complained about the newly weds in their team the first time. He didn't want to be that guy- not at all, Megan and Conner were great together, he'd get totally over it. Damn this cake was good.

He happened to be so engrossed in the cake he was eating to notice a familiar green archer coming in the room, staring at him the moment he turned around with so much cake stuffed into his mouth that it dribbled like drool. Artemis looked like she was going to say something, before her face twisted into such a deep expression of disgust that she almost looked mortified.

"Seriously, you're eating _again_?" Her tone went hand to hand with her expression, she sounded nothing short of grossed out.

Wally wanted to make a face, but was afraid that if he moved one muscle his mouth would tear open with all of the cake spilling on the floor. He couldn't even attempt to speak, which lead Artemis to start up a sudden rant.

"You're always eating- On and on, you've probably rid this mountain months worth of food supply and- Oh for _god's sake_ how can you even swallow that whole thing?" Her tone went from repulsed to annoyed to just down right perplexed. The speedster couldn't quite catch onto the reason for her outburst, but tried to seem less upset and more confused by it as he noticed Robin had turned his full attention to the scene too.

Wally had a good excuse for eating though, because of his powers he was constantly burning all the food he had, he didn't know what would happen if he didn't eat as much as he did. Though when he did think about it, he'd been eating a similar way even before he had the powers. He lowered the cake he was holding onto the table, his shoulders hunching (hopefully left unnoticed), and when he attempted to swallow rest of the strawberry loaf, he found he almost couldn't. The food seemed stuck in his mouth, unable to go down but definitely not coming out either. Wally had to fetch a drink of water just to get it down, which prompted for Artemis to open her mouth for another rant again, just as displeased with the scene as before.

"Enough." Artemis shut her mouth immediately after hearing the team leader speak, even Robin seemed surprised at the Atlanteans sudden entry. Wally swallowed, how much did he hear of that? Kaldur gave him no leads on that, only staring at Artemis with a warning glare before she huffed and left the room without a word. Wally felt sick.

* * *

Back at home, Wally stared at himself in the mirror with peculiarity. Everyone left home soon after his and Artemis's 'talk'. He didn't speak a word with anyone, only sparing a wave for Robin before heading off home. He didn't want to admit it, but the cake incident still ate at him a little bit. After undressing of his jacket and shirt, he took a look at himself, trying to actually observe his body rather than just admire it like usually. Nothing seemed too off, he was thin, with clear muscles showing, only when he pinched his skin he noticed that there was still a layer of fat. A slight "urk-" sound left him and he decided to redress, it was a pointless observation. Everyone had fat, even kids who burnt way more calories than was probably healthy, and at light speed too, had to have something over their bones other than just pure muscle. If he didn't even have that, he'd be nothing but bones and skin, which would probably be pretty inconvenient for a guy who get's punched in the face daily as their job. (he was sent flying all the time, it's good he's at least not in pieces afterwards)

Before exiting he took a quick glance back at the mirror, then another, then he considered, then he took a step back. There was a sudden curiosity that took him over, and he stepped to the toilet bowl, taking another moment to think before dropping to his knees in front of it. Wow, this was gonna be fucked up.

He grabbed the sides of the bowl, almost cautiously, while staring at the water inside. Sniffing, he could smell the soap, figuring mom had gone on another cleaning spree. Opening his mouth, he took a breath that came out shakier than he expected. He leaned forward more before letting out a hesitant, sick noise, slowly turning it into a cough. Feeling no effect, he repeated the action, more louder this time. Wally couldn't tell how long it went until he was probably making the most believable throwing up noise he'd heard, before it seemed to catch in his throat and he fell on his hands, away from the bowl and coughing violently. He was afraid he'd end up throwing up on the floor, but all that came out was his drool that had gradually started forming in his mouth. Then there was a knock, and the concerned voice of his mother asking if he was ok. He swallowed, took a deep breath and yelled that he was fine.

After a quick clean up of the saliva on the floor he took a look at himself, a bit surprised at how pale he had turned, considering nothing actually happened. He didn't feel anymore relieved, if anything he just felt sicker at not being able to get at least a bit of the food he had engulfed earlier out, just to see a drop of it. It was all mild curiosity, he wasn't actually as dumb as everyone thought, he knew downright the dangers of all of this. Though having superpowers made it a bit less concerning, more of an experiment than some kind of self-harm method or whatever a medical expert would throw at him, were he normal. The teen didn't waste another moment leaving the bathroom after that, not wanting to worry his mother any further.

Today's mission had been handled hours ago, so the boost of energy from it had steadily worn down. Wally made a quick trip to his parents room to say goodnight before heading to bed himself, at this point wanting to forget the days events completely. He was going to sleep with happy dreams to come, definitely having nothing to do with shady green archers, chuckling birds, fish that glow in the dark, hot green alien women and the scary alien boyfriends.

He should really lay off the dry heaving before bed routine (proven by the description of his upcoming dream), which he was definitely not going to turn into a common thing. Know the dangers of it, even as a super, already made him look like an office building zombie, who desires sleep more than the fine food going around the streets called "brains". Brains, zombies eat brains, eating, food, Wally's stomach letting out a cry for mercy. But he already ate the cake and.. he guessed the thing really had dissolved into nothing after running home. Eating before bed was an actual routine he still held up, sometimes even waking up in the middle of the night just for a scoop of chocolate ice cream or whatever he could get his sleepwalking hands on first. But tonight he didn't think he'd really need it, he'd be eating food at breakfast in the morning and next at school and then at the mountain, on the mission, he can make it. His powers have got to have at least something to work with this endless hunger, who knew, maybe he didn't need food at all. Not like he'd heard Uncle Barry ever trying it out, so it was up to the teen to find out then.

There was a heavy cloud of sleepiness coming over him, and a deep, but not painful twist in his stomach. He wondered for the last seconds if he really did need food, but concluded that nah, he was strong and he was smart. Since when could a little hunger hurt?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *warily fixes small mistakes in the first chapter after noticing them* Don't ever trust me to edit something in the middle of the night, ever. Also don't trust me to think I'd be able to write 1 chapter and then immediately post it and make the others later, as I'm most likely to forget what the hell my direction with the story even was.  
> I really hope it's not noticeable though, but, you know just a fair warning I don't know what I'm doing.

Wally West, the superhero, the son, the nephew, the teammate, the goddamned _scientist_ , wanted to punch himself before he even opened his eyes this morning. He was used to a little soreness on his _everything_ after missions but this wasn't even about that, his stomach felt like it had entered a brand new level of pain and suffering. He tried slowly opening the eye that wasn't covered by his pillow and felt his brain explode, _this was like a hangover_. The sound of the alarm felt like he'd been smashed against a brick wall, and he punched the thing to shut it up. He knew he'd fall asleep again if he didn't move right away, but dear magical being up in the sky he couldn't. Out of options, and not really wanting to make his dad come up to his room to drag him down to breakfast himself, he made the last minute choice of simply falling onto the floor from his bed. The noise alerted his mother to his room to see if he was ok, only to lecture the teen curled up on the floor on how "We bought a bed so you could _sleep_ on it, Wallace, not on the floor." 

After a long struggle, Wally finally got himself dressed and sluggishly made his way to the kitchen. He couldn't think of an explanation for his reaction to simply not eating before bed or during the night. Did he run a marathon in his dreams? Sleepwalking? There's no way it had even been that many hours since he ate for him to feel like he'd just died.

Then everything kind of stopped, his mom placed the first plate of bread and eggs on the table, (he'd be needing 3 more to actually survive to lunch time) he felt a flip in his stomach. Though he'd hoped sleep would've cleared yesterdays events, he still heard the lingering "you're eating _again?_ " in his head while his mom started making the second round of food. There was a familiar taste of cake in his mouth.

"Mom, I think I'll be ok with just two plates of food this morning."

Mary almost laughed, setting the second plate down and giving her oh so dim-witted son a curious look. Rudy wasn't as courteous, the room filling with his loud laughter as he looked at Wally with the same look, eyes teary from laughing. 

"Son, we know you can't last a second without something to digest. That's some odd humor from you." The teen sat down and started eating, clearing his throat to get the morning roughness off his voice. His mind still worked minutes ahead and he simply explained that eating 4 plates of food was just for some extra energy, but he wouldn't really be using it while sitting in on a chair for half the day. Mary didn't look convinced, but started putting away the pan anyway. Wally mentally high-fived himself, eating a little bit of breakfast couldn't ruin his experiment, just ease him and maybe the other's around him to it.

* * *

The trip to school went surprisingly well, despite his energy not being as high as it usually was in the mornings, he made it with no protests from his body. Classes weren't different from normal. He'd been right when he said that sitting around in chairs wouldn't be draining much of his energy. Either way, he was forced to walk around in a speed that was considered 'normal' among the school. Around lunch time, a classmate of his stopped him in the hall, glaring, and swearing that he was _not_ going to be snatching any of their food at the cafeteria today. The red-head laughed, leading to a shout of "I'm serious!" from his acquaintance, making him laugh even more. He wasn't even going.

When school finally ended, Wally automatically started running towards the most near zeta tube to get to Mount Justice, gaining more speed as he got farther away from school and other people. When he made it there he still felt no different, maybe hungrier than usual but he was sure he could eat a little snack and then see if they had any missions upcoming. Though he got no such chance, because as soon as the door had him scanned his whole team was standing there in their outfits, seemingly waiting for him. The mission they were assigned on seemed like another small everyday happening that a blind cop could handle as well as an entire team of superheroes. A gang of nobodies ("big nobodies" Robin corrected him, just as distasteful about the mission as everyone else) stole a box of something and it was the teams duty to get it back. No one was happy about it, no one was excited for it, or scared. 

Well, that was before they saw that the place they were supposed to retrieve the box from was a big, heavily guarded building in the middle of a thick forest. That might have made them a bit more confident that the mission wasn't a complete joke, maybe more like a sarcastic remark. Once everyone was out of the ship Megan set up a psychic connection, and something said about something made a flirtatious comment rise in Wally's mind but before he could properly voice it, a survival instinct kicked in. His eyes drifted to Conner, and he felt the same kind of flip in his stomach he felt that morning, he turned his eyes to the ground. He couldn't do that anymore, really. It was fun while the two were just teammates, but now he felt like he'd just stir up unnecessary jealousy and possibly a pissed off Superboy. He still wasn't that kind of guy.

Robin was staring down the building while explaining that the plan was to be stealthy while they had the chance for it, no knocking guards out unless absolutely necessary, and with a chance to _hide_ the body. Wally snorted at how he was explaining this like they were murdering random unsuspecting guards, while Robin noted that killing them was only to be done if they situation called for it. The speeder's face paled slightly, even though the kid was just thirteen he had mastered the arts of dark humor for sure. 

"Hey, wait, why are you giving us orders anyway? Are you the leader suddenly or something?" Kid Flash (hey it was about time to call him that, since he was already in costume) looked at the younger with an over-exaggerated suspicious face, and while though Robin was facing away, he could still spot the smirk that had grown on the boys face.

"No, I just happen to have the best stealth out of all of us, so I guess you could say I know how to plan these things the best too." The other simply rolled his eyes at the answer then got in position for the mission.

Thankfully there was no need to knock out (or execute) too many of the guards, everyone got in their places smoothly for the most part. Artemis shot a comment about Kid Flash having the focus of a snail at some point, and he honestly hated agreeing with her. Everything seemed less focused, which wasn't caused by his goggles no matter how many times he checked, and it felt like there was a pit in his stomach. He was constantly on edge by the sheer fact that he was afraid his _stomach_ would make a loud noise and alert the guards he was trying to pass by as fast as he could. When he started feeling like he might as well be having an _anxiety attack_ he checked to see if he had any of his protein bars with him, which he didn't because goddamn him and his great memory.

The mission continued on, and while Robin got to the room with the box (which turned out to be quite more mechanical than the cardboard version of it he had imagined) the speeder stood watch for the door. They had to beat a handful of guards, hoping none of them had yet sent a message alerting the others. But even if they did, they still had to get past an archer, a merman with whips, a super powerful alien and the literal clone of Superman. And he really, _really_ hoped all the guards would be taken down before they could get to the room with the box and Robin. He was trying to manage a newfound headache and dizziness, and felt like if he had to fight anyone right now he would likely accidentally miss them, punch himself, fly out a window, land on a tree branch then fall from it to another, and another, and another, and another. And ugh, it was already hurting thinking up that scene. 

Amidst thinking he actually did miss one of the guards waking up, grabbing him from behind and slamming him against one of the walls. Wow, ok, that scenario could've come through (with the adjustments that it wouldn't be him punching himself out the window but instead a guard throwing him out) but the dude seemed to have shit aim and- Well, good stealing skills at least because somehow he got through _Robin_ , grabbed the box, and ran out faster than his brains could've even followed. There was a quick thought in the back of his head about the guy having some kind of speed powers too, but the thought passed quickly as he realized the guy was just smart and Wally was stuck in his 'normal', fake running, which probably made him the idiot. As soon as he got his footing and started speeding up, his vision grayed around the edges, everything going blurry- then clearing and he was running out the building, on the guys tail as his feet hit the ground-

Church bells rang, his vision turned into nothing but color balls, and he didn't realize he had ran into the guard until they tumbled to the ground. The box was dropped, but he couldn't even tell as everything shook, he was so _sick_ \- There was grunting, shoving, an arrow, and glowing. Wally tore his goggles away from his eyes and had never felt more happy to see Kaldur and _Artemis_ , of all people in front of him, staring at the man under him with a menacing look. His ears were still ringing, and his arms shook under his weight. Kaldur helped him up and asked him if he was ok, while the archer had an expression on that promised murder if their leader wasn't right there. He was fine, really, he was just so out of it for this mission. The Antlantean hummed in response, telepathically calling the team out.

What ensued next was Batman right in his face, explaining how though they completed the mission, it could've gone smoother weren't it for certain things, putting a lot of emphasis on "certain things" meaning _Wally_. Robin tried reasoning that though the speeder missed the guard and got thrown at the wall, he was the one who failed keeping the guard from taking the box. But debating with the Batman was a losing game because he was _Batman_ , which was definitely an unfair advantage. He sent everyone home, with an order for more training, as it seemed they still couldn't handle something as simple as a stealth mission. (easy for him to say since, again, he's the _Batman_ )

Wally was strangely happy for the mission to be over, to get out of Batman's accusatory stare and Robin's useless attempts at protecting the red-head from the bat's wrath. He knew he failed, he should've focused, how the hell is not being able to focus even an excuse for a superhero? He was better than this, he was Kid Flash. 

Going home, he glanced at the bathroom, and in all his self-pitying glory, collapsed in front of the toilet. He tried again, coughing until his eyes were stinging and his body was shaking, but nothing came out. He gripped the edges until he was sure the sides would've cracked, but they didn't. Really, why would they? He wasn't Superboy, he was weak. Walking to his room, his body kept shaking, his vision felt like it was fading, he saw colors again. Kid Flash collapsed onto his bed and was shoved into a world of darkness, where the last thing he thought of was: _"I'll do better, I'll do better, I'll do better.."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive my bad mission creating skills, it could've been cool and complicated but I'm too busy focusing on this starving child to write something like that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya. So, when I was going to write this chapter my computer stopped working and I decided to do what I could to fix it, which is stay away from it for a week and hope it just fixes itself. It worked. The first thing I see when I open it is my note for what this chapter was going to be about, the note read "Wally talks to people and feels like a piece of shit" and that's it. Hope you like it!

The whole team was gathered around the mountain, like normally, going on about their own businesses. Wally, at this point, would joke to Robin about how none of them must have any hobbies if they choose to spend valuable teenage time hanging inside a volcano. (Though for anyone else that'd probably be a dream.) But the thing was, he and the raven-head hadn't talked since the stealth mission that did not go all too well, on Wally's case. Robin constantly wore on a frustrated expression, like trying to figure out something but coming back to the conclusion of _"no that's stupid"_ every time. KF wanted to ease him a little- apologize for making him have to stand up to Batman for his mistakes. (Dumb, dumb, stupid, laughable mistakes) It didn't take a master detective to notice the caped crusaders were not on the best terms after that disobedience. Considering Robin hadn't been anywhere with the Bat for almost a week, and they were _always_ somewhere doing something.

The effects of the experiment still scared him, though, the degrading names painted on the walls of his mind. His hands shook from simply trying to get up, put his clothes on, make his bed and- after he basically couldn't pick his back bag up, he decided to grab a bit of snacks for school. It was healthy stuff, things he would question anyone else for bringing, as it could probably barely feed off the hunger of a single finger. The classmates who knew him gave him an odd look, not hellbent on protecting their lunch from the boy for the first time. It made Wally happy, but also sad because he did consider his food stealing gimmick to be the main reason people found at least _something_ to notice about him. By the time he'd figure this experiment out and would stop glancing hungrily at anything that passed off as food, he'd be as invisible as the air around him. Which he was fine with, really, it would make the whole secret identity thing a lot more easier. He'd become a full-time Kid Flash and less than part-time Wally West, the world could benefit off of that a lot more. 

He does wish the urges would stop, or at least give him a break. He remembers the constant need for food on missions, or after a simple run. But now it was different, and it was worse, it was the need to get any sort of food he got inside himself  _out_. Not through natural process, but forcefully in the moment. There are bits of memories of getting sick as a child and throwing up on his bed, he knows it felt terrible and embarrassing, no matter what his mother told him. He craves that these days, but with a little less of his mother knowing, anyone knowing, and more of it just being him and his little obsession. It's as fucked up as it sounds, but it's not like he's been able to do it. He tries, he tries, nothing comes up and he gives up, before trying again later. There was a brief moment where he considered asking Robin, using a situation where he would've accidentally eaten something bad as an excuse. But then there was a flash, a sinking feeling that _this wasn't him_ and _he's going to see through me before I even open my mouth_ and.. he just didn't do it.

The TV channels change too quickly for the redhead to even process any of the shows going on. Simple boredom tactic, just make up something from the changing colors flashing over your eyes every second. This was probably going to form into a Spanish soap opera. 

Clicking sounds of the remote continues on before it pauses, goes back three channels and lands on a documentary. It was something about a image that Wally saw half a second that caught his attention- the show switched to a similar picture, showing a picture of a pretty girl with way too many bones to show. The people talking quickly caught his attention too, their words ranging from "diets" to "eating disorders" to "anorexia" to  _"death"_ and Wally felt his legs lift him off the couch and slowly back away from the screen in small steps. The images kept appearing, some of girls with clothes that were small yet still too big draped over them, some of them _naked_ \- The documentary worked faster than his brain and he didn't even register when the girls changed gender, and the people were suddenly talking about something becoming common among boys too, teen boys,  _commonly white._

Loud, cracking laughter filled his ears and he didn't know it was his. Eyes were on him, angry, disappointed, why was he watching this? Why was he like this? Wally's mind was like a tin box that was slowly filling with gas and it was  _hilarious_. Tears were burning just on the edge of his eyes and he wondered why, again, he seemed to be having the time of his life. Everything was fine and real problems were just a joke and he was _unbreakable_. Not a dry, meatless piece skin standing in the middle of air, with bells ringing in his head and colors, so many colors, pain, pain _pain--_

He could scold himself for it later, for not noticing the strike that landed on his skull the first time and the second- ok but thirds a little overboard, he wasn't dissociating so why couldn't he focus? There was just so much screaming, Artemis- _"What gives you the right? What gives you the damn right?"_ Kaldur pulling her hands away, a dull ache- Then there's Robin, Robin, Robin, _Dick_ , Robin-

* * *

Wally made a prayer half a second before he opened his eyes that the first thing he'd remember wouldn't be  _why_ he had passed out, as he could already make out at this point that he wasn't obviously in his costume, which meant this wasn't a matter of Kid Flash but Wally West. _Oh great_. He dared to crack an eye open and felt a strange pressure keeping him from opening it, so he tried the other one. The redhead was met with the "beautiful" sight of his very own Prince Phillip, Dick Grayson, sitting on a chair beside his bed. He was tapping at his way too expensive and new phone in a bored manner and, once glancing at Wally, slipped it away in his pocket. The Speedster was making another prayer (a record amount for his heathen self) that this wouldn't turn into a scolding about eating, or about having a meltdown for seeing half-dead people, he just really hoped Dick _wouldn't know-_

But apparently the boy wonder had other subjects in mind and was already answering questions Wally hadn't had time to even think about. "Your face's all messed up 'cause Artemis gave it a real beating while you were staring at the TV like a dead fish. _After_   you had a hysterical laughing fit what we assume was about the AN documentary." 

The older could recognize his friends voice turning to the whole _Batman serious voice_ only he could pull off on the last sentence. It made it kind of impossible to slip out of this with a joke and pretend to pass out- or well, he could try the latter, but could also imagine Rob could simply poke at a sore enough spot on his face that'd have him crying like a baby. It'd be easier to give in, even he had to admit. Wally licked and chewed at his dry lips as a nervous reaction, an act which Dick narrowed his eyes at, another trait picked up from his mentor and father. 

"Mm, what's AN?" The bruised speedster questioned his friend while picking at the skin on his lips, drawing the tiniest bit of blood. The metallic taste distracted and soothed him in a weird way. Meanwhile Dick was taking in every movement the teen in front of him made, (avoiding eye contact, chewing at lips, seeming like a trapped animal..) making a quick decision on what to say.

"Anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder the documentary on TV was about. Anyway, though, I have the choice to either believe you knew about Artemis's situation and decided to taunt her by laughing, making you a jackass who likes to shit on peoples problems. Or, that you simply thought a serious eating disorder is a joke, making you a jackass who doesn't give a shit about peoples problems. Either way, what the hell man?" Wally knew he was wincing noticeably at almost every mention of the girls name, or curse that Dick smoothly pronounced. There was just something specially terrifying in a 13-year-old pouring curses out of his mouth like he'd been saying them for years, especially if that 13-year-old happened to be the son of the strictest dad you could end up with. Wally gave the younger a guilty look, meeting his eyes for the first time, and he didn't even realize the other had taken his sunglasses off. The fact that Wally could see his eyes, his blue, youthful but serious eyes looking at him as if pleading for an answer, was making the guilt a lot worse. He did it again, he freaked out and screwed up and his best friend is paying for it. 

A thumb pressing carefully against the bruise on his face snapped him out of his self-pity roller coaster that was slowly going down. He glanced at the boy beside him, leaning forward with his head resting on his hand while his other trailed over the bloody marks on the speedsters face. Wally gulped audibly, tearing his eyes away from the younger again, which caused the pressure to increase just slightly.

"You know, if you won't tell me then I'll still figure it out. But whatever problem you got with Artemis or whatever, has got to get cleared up, alright? For the team, so we can all work better without having to defend each other from our mistakes. I would especially need that with you, since I've been the only one on your side. I've had to talk back to Batman and drag your ass back home for god's sake." Dick spoke in a manner that seemed like on the edge of _fond_ , if it wasn't so sad, or maybe even bored. You couldn't tell with this kid, Wally made the swift decision to voice that, just get some of the edge off of the atmosphere. He knew he hit the jackpot when Dick snorted and full on pressed his palm against the bruises, Wally leaned away while letting out an over dramatic groan of pain, a couple of _"it hurts, it hurts"_ and a laugh that hopefully didn't sound as forced as it felt.

A beep from Dicks phone, only a five second glance and he was out of the chair, turning towards the door in his prepared way. He only took a moment to tell Wally that he'd be there for him, with anything. It told enough. His face formed into a serious face, then the longer Wally took with his answer, the more he could see the familiar expression of "no that's stupid" forming. Dick was considering, it was obvious, he was trapped between being there for his best friend and being Robin. In the end Wally waved him off and Dick gave a worrying grin, nodded, and disappeared outside his room, and soon his house, and at some point the whole city. He was glad that underneath all of the worry, his friend did know what was more important. He couldn't bare to become more of a burden and actually hold Dick back from anything, that was just a whole new level of shit with being an already shit best friend.

The speeder felt a mix of tiredness and energy, but knowing his bruise was already starting to heal, he figured he should do a quick check on it. He knows the lack of eating does something he can't control yet to his powers, but injuries are a different thing, though he wishes it wouldn't slow that down too. 

Kid Flash, part-time Wally West now, hops off his bed and heads towards the bathroom mirror he's gotten to know a bit better recently.

* * *

Well, the day could've ended that way, but instead he enters his room ready for bed and sees a shadow _way_ too big to be Robin standing against his wall and the yelp he lets out sounds a bit too high for his liking. The shadow snorts, and he knows the sound almost too well. Wally closes his door and waits for the character to walk out to the light, in _full costume_ too, Wally prepares for a lifetime lasting rant. 

"Roy, that is _so_ not a polite way to enter your friends house- or anyone's house!" The closer the taller mans frame gets, the more the redhead wants to take his words back, just a little. The archer had been blessed with many scary traits, including having a resting angry face, being taller than Wally, being older than Wally, stronger than Wally. Wally was a fly and he was an exterminator. But exterminator's probably kill any bug they get the chance to, they definitely don't pat the bug in the shoulder and laugh when it jolts up from it's thoughts. So you could say this is still Roy.

As quick as his playful attitude came, it went, and his face shifted back to it's normal pissed off and serious state. "You've been screwing up on missions? _Seriously_? The missions you kiddies get aren't even half of what the Justice League is doing, yet you manage to _screw up_." Wally wonders for a moment, if while he was out Dick was texting _Roy_ of all people about his fuck ups- He swears to all the dead scientists in the world that he is going to make the Wayne kid _pay_. But right now he needs his smart mouth in a whole different matter. Make sure Roy knows it's just him being him, it's his gimmick to screw up, right?

"I'm a little off on my game, alright? There's gonna be some big tests coming up and I feel like whenever I look at a criminal, I'm looking at my _teachers_. And it makes me kind of unable to punch 'em, you know?" It's the best excuse he could make up in all the time he had, which was not a lot, but still, he could've done better. 

The archer didn't look any more pleased, (not that he ever would anyway) and raised his finger in the most menacing way, pointing it straight at Wally's chest and poking- Oh great it's scolding time. 

"I didn't come here for some kind of pathetic excuse of excuses," The redhead narrowed his eyes at the sentence and at the other redhead because of the pause, only to realize the pause was not only for dramatic effect but also to give another way too hard poke at his chest. "and normally, I wouldn't care. But if something's up with you that not only can Robin not figure out, but he's _concerned_ , then I'm here and I'll be here all night if I have to." Roy's face somehow started making this blank expression, as if trying to mimic something else but not being able to, Wally was laughing but only internally.

Outside he was probably more guilty looking, and he felt like shit. He upset Batman, he upset Dick, he's probably upset Artemis more than once by now, Kaldur too, and now Roy? Wally West truly wasn't good for anything and it was hurting people and it's stupid. He'd be halfway a tantrum if not for the archer in front of him, he wasn't going to make this worse. Not anymore.

So he breathed in and made the most sincere face he could. (he was probably better than Roy so it's all good) He explained the best he could, his problem, he's stressed, it's hard to admit. He didn't want to upset people but it ended up making him tired and failing at missions and he's so sorry he can't express it. Now he just, reacts to things, because he hasn't spoken to anyone and it makes him anxious. Wally ends up throwing the least concerning but best explaining words for his "situation", if that were even half of it.

And Roy looks, too understanding all the sudden, too relating, and Wally wants to take it all back and cry. But he can't, he already told that lie on top of everything else. His experiment is going go through and he won't upset anyone and he'll just be the perfect Kid Flash. That's all he can be good for, all he should really be. Roy's speaking so softly and it actually _hurts_ to take it in. He wishes Roy wouldn't waste comforting words or any kind of advice or _anything_ on _him_. He just wishes all of this would be easier.

"Don't do anything stupid tonight- I don't care about tomorrow, but tonight, you're emotional and you could do some real damage. So, don't, or I'll kill you." His friend leaves with that and it makes Wally laugh, and laugh he would if he didn't feel so pathetic and spent. He figures a fun thing to try would be to, instead of counting sheep, he could count the amount of people he's lied to. There's a bitter smile on his face and a bitter feeling in his chest and his stomach let's out an almost hopeful sounding rumble, as if he'd eat at this time, as if he'd eat all.

Wally glances at his door, and can picture the door to the bathroom right opposite to it. He turns away and heads to bed, face blank and stomach empty. Roy asked him to not do anything stupid, and half of the brain he has left now does know that whatever he'd do in the bathroom would be considered stupid. So, he doesn't, tonight, just so Roy won't kill him. But he said he didn't care about tomorrow, and Wally doesn't know about tomorrow. All he knows is the rumbling, grumbling, rumble..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artemis is obviously not the best person in this and sort of maybe at fault for a lot. But I sweeaar I am going to give her the best redemption I can at some point (assuming my plans don't change *cough cough*)
> 
> *i made the beginning notes and end notes before i wrote this but here's a comment from a me who has just finished: i'm actually so tired i can't read through this, i hope it's good and if not then uh, well, that, interesting fact, グーグルで気晴らしを翻訳します*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest with you: I'm not quite confident in this chapter, it has a lot of talking (not my strong point) and I didn't write it in one go but instead on different days and then procrastinated on actually posting it. I'm hoping you can forgive me for these errors and maybe still get something out of it. *nervous bowing*

The next day when Wally enters the living room of the mountain, he’s greeted with a hot tray of crudely shaped cookies, _way_ too close to his face. He carefully steps back and sees Megan actually holding the tray, oven mitts and all, (she went all out on this human thing huh) with an all too pleading expression on her face.

“I-I heard the computer say you entered and once I heard the footsteps I just guessed you were walking here so- I thought you’d like these cookies while they’re still fresh!” More like, undercooked, but he couldn’t say that to Megan, so instead went along with thanking her and walking to the couch to drop his backpack on it.

“After yesterday, just, with Artemis and all I wanted to make you feel better. I know you’ve always liked my cookies, or cookies overall I think, I just..” She trails off, leaving Wally to gather his thoughts. In his head, a glass had slipped out of his grasp- and broke. He didn’t even remember yesterday’s happenings.

They were the only ones there, and Megan’s breathing seemed to have completely _stopped_ , or maybe his was just too loud in the awful silence consuming the room. He cleared his throat as un-awkwardly as he could.

“Aren’t you going to try them?” Shit, right. He’s obsessed with eating anything within a 6371 km radius. Wally twirls around to face Megan and smile a tad bit nervously at her, pinching the back of his neck.

“They’re still hot though, right? I think I should finally start learning to slow down with food so I don’t have to bandage my tongue.” She stared at him for a bit, thinking over what he said and scrunching her face a little bit. Wally could tell it wasn’t in a suspecting way, and in a heartbeat slapped himself mentally. Bandaging a burn on his tongue, _really, Wally?_

The computer suddenly alerted of a certain B04 entering, (saved by the bell) Megan _squealed_ and flew out the room, leaving Wally to get oddly flushed at the sound. He felt the minuscule and sharp edges of old feelings digging into his skin. The oddest off things always made him realize how genuine his feelings for Megan were, and he’d always have to stop and force his skin not to turn as red as hair- He was lucky he didn’t miss the computer voicing another person entering, someone who’s entrance you definitely do not want to miss.

Megan managed a half giggle when she greeted Connor, but it was roughly cut off when Batman announced of a mission. Wally wondered out loud why he was explaining it when three members were still missing. He put it simply that we should be able to handle this. Well, it could’ve been simple, but being The Batman he had drop his voice to a tone that could kill, and give Wally a glare that managed to make all the air around him _cold_. (how does this guy manage that through a _cowl_ )

The mission was as simple as the boss said; they literally had to go check on an (“important”) truck that randomly stopped moving around an area known for having car robberies. (that’s a thing? that’s a thing.) He could see the other two weren’t all too impressed with it either, to put it lightly. The most powerful members of the team, by superpower standards, were being sent to _check_ on something. Wally could’ve run there and back in under a minute, but apparently it was too “risky.”

What’s worse? Now he was stuck going on a sucky mission with his ex-crush (maybe not ex, maybe just a little current) and her Hulk of a boyfriend. It was the longest trip of his life, probably the most awkward too, but he seemed to be alone on that opinion. Megan kept stifling laughter, while Connor’s mouth would actually quirk into the smallest of smiles ever so often. If they were actually telepathically _sexting_ he was going to barf.

Wally swallowed down a familiar pinch in his stomach for thinking about throwing up. He couldn’t stand people talking about it and now he couldn’t stand even _thinking_ about it, everything seemed to tilt in the room until he was back at home, falling onto the floor and coughing until _-_

The ship stopped, Wally snapped out of his thoughts as if on cue. They got out and began walking towards and through a forest; it was definitely not any “earthly” kind of forest. (or he just didn’t pay attention during class) The coloring wasn’t anywhere near a normal green forest, the trees were various shades of _pink._ He asked Superboy if he was going colorblind, but he confirmed that they were indeed in a salmon forest. (sweet gig)

Megan seemed to be the leader on this one, as she was walking in front of the two almost surprisingly unenthusiastically. The deeper they got, the quieter it seemed to get. Wally was getting an itch to go against whatever the missions plan was, and go check on the truck ahead. But at the same time he wasn’t on the most confident terms with his powers. When he ran to the mountain, he’d been feeling close to fainting, which was somewhat new. Usually he’d just start seeing random colors, which he could ignore well enough by now.

Their awkwardly silent walk ended as they spotted the truck, sunken into a river. Megan didn’t waste time lifting the truck out and then it was obvious that there had been an attack, considering the roof was torn off. Wally did a check up on the inside, feeling another pinch when he found no driver. There should be an explanation for this though, right? Maybe the driver was simply kidnapped, taken away, maybe they escaped. Hell, maybe there was no driver-

For all his distractedness and oblivious behavior, he could definitely not miss the roar, the sound of something being thrown outside; the thing _hitting_ the truck and causing it to tilt, tilt, _tilt-_ Then there was a loud splash the same time he lost his balance and crashed into the wall. The truck was underwater and Wally’s body immediately went into a sort of survival mode, he scrambled out of the truck and overwater. He took in the scene of Superboy throwing some kind of creatures up and over the trees. Megan, camouflaged, disappearing somewhere behind everything. Wally suddenly felt the dizzying rush of _Kid Flash_ and took out the nearest creature, swinging ungracefully from one foot to the other while dogging whatever the things were firing... from their mouths. Alright, who switched his life into an alien movie?

Suddenly, there was Connor, pushing Kid Flash _way_ too roughly out of the way of a bigger blast, knocking them both on the ground which made Wally’s vision fill with white spots. He spat out a pained “What the hell Superb-“before grabbing at his head from the almost screeching sound in his mind, telling him to “GET OUT OF HERE.”

Connor must’ve heard it too, and he was grabbing at Wally, dragging him up and on his feet, which set a nice ringing inside his mind. Connor was running before him and- once his mind cleared the last of his confusion, he was just about running towards the other boy, none too gently grabbing his wrist (revenge from the earlier manhandling) and speeding up until the blasts were less than a distant noise, but the forest went on.

Once they stopped, Wally heard a voice talking again, less screeching and softer this time. He finally registered that the voice wasn’t just him going insane, as they- _duh_ \- happened to have a telepath in their group. Megan was quickly explaining that she had read the groups minds, and figured they had the driver in their own ship. They’d have to be out of the groups’ way so they can figure out where; Megan told them to settle down for the time while she’d watch the creatures closely, and tell them when to strike. Connor protested this plan, but was ignored and he quickly gave up, sighing. 

So now Wally was stuck with Superman’s clone behind a rock, waiting for a mark to do _whatever_ , in an alien forest with creatures that probably ate something radioactive. Great, just keeps getting better. Connor was obviously not up for conversation, constantly looking over the rock with an angry expression, leaving Wally to sink into his thoughts. He thought over the happenings just a bit ago, his brain had all but turned to mush at some point; everything was so hazy in the moment. He was only left to mentally kick himself for simply being so _slow_ , he could only be thankful Superboy had pushed him out of the blasts way and lifted him up-

There was a lot of glass breaking going on in his head today, but something about this just. Just.

He was stammering out words before he even knew what he was saying. “You- you, pushed me out of the way and lifted me up eventhoughyouknewitwascompletelyunnecessary.” Wally still had his trait of just failing at talking slow or understandably, proved simply by the way the other looked at him, eyebrows knitting together in a colorful sweater of confusion. Wally breathed out, collecting himself before speaking again.

“You saved a speedster from a blast and lifted him up in an urgent manner, which, you know, anyone would be thankful, but only if they weren’t a _speedster_. That blast was going slower than my grandma, and you picking me up more likely slowed me down too. I was doing fine so why-?” Wally looked between the ground and Connor while speaking; truly not understanding why for the first time ever had the other helped him when he wasn’t even injured in any way.

Connor was looking at the speedster intensely, before glancing back over the rock. “You weren’t. I could see you were only half a second from being killed by the blast, I obviously had to do something, so there you have it.” _That’s_ his answer, that’s it. The redhead felt, dumbfounded, his shoulders slumping from embarrassment and his voice lacing with annoyance.

“ _No._ I don’t think you would know if I was half a second behind something, because I’m never behind anything. I’m completely in control of this. The hell even makes you think I’m not? Do you have any _idea_ how it _feels_ to be underestimated about your powers, being put down-“Oh, oh god. Wally swallowed down the rest of his words, a flutter in stomach and an ache in his legs. You definitely do not touch the subject of _feeling_ , that’s nothing like him and now the supers going to laugh at him, he’s never going to get to bury that.

But Connor didn’t laugh, in fact, he turned to Wally completely, an angry expression as always but there was something distant and tired hidden under it. When he spoke it sounded for a second like he was spitting the words through a thick net. “You’re _wrong_. If anyone knows what it’s like to be put down or underestimated for all they are, to be against all you were ever expected to be and more, it’s me. I do.”

Wally was more than ready to take his words back, go back to being on no-speaking ground with Connor and just _disappear_. But he wasn’t done and Wally wanted death. “You haven’t been on the top of your game; you haven’t showed off your speed or done anything acceptably stupid. Just, stupid. I don’t want to care and I almost don’t, but it’s hard not to when it’s. Not. Like you.”

The conversation stopped as Megan informed that their next move was to _move_ , out from behind the rock and at the creatures, which were steadily approaching their hiding place. Wally didn’t know what her plan was, but he was more than glad to jump up, run towards who knows how many of the things and knock them all down. He dreaded stopping, because he knew the headache was coming before his feet were put in front of their temporary leader. Megan informed him she got all the hostages out and he felt compelled to ask if she had just handled basically the entire mission on her own (seriously, since when where there _multiple_ hostages?) while they sat behind a rock yelling at each other, but it’d probably be better to just to let her bask in the glory for once. 

The rest was a rush, taking down the rest of the creatures, getting the hostages out of the forest and on the ship. They were all told they’d be questioned by leaguers later, then dropped off to their own homes. Six people and it still took so long, the sky turned dark and everyone was tired. Wally especially wanted to curl up in his bed and just never get up. (more than any of the possibly traumatized people, he could assure you) The mission was an awful idea from the start and he felt mad at himself for simply not having friends or any kind of hobby that he could’ve spent his time on, instead of running off to the mountain every morning and after school. He felt mad he’d been stuck with someone he had actual feelings for who choose someone way stronger and handsomer even if it was _her_ choice and he was a selfish prick who always had to make it about _him_.

And he hated relating to something with the all mighty Superboy, someone who he had help save yet they still never got close. They never went protective on each other or friendly or even acted like they _knew_ each other half the time. Connor was complicated and Wally was _weak_ and pathetic and Connor noticed it and he thought he had to _care_.

If he was being honest, he doesn’t think the recreation of his Uncles experiment went quite right. There was just something so slow and off about him, he could never vibrate through walls because going at that speed felt _tiring_ and left an ache in his legs he didn’t normally feel anymore. And while Uncle Barry was obviously all muscle and meat and thick bone, Wally still had an actual level of fat over all of it. Thick enough that he had an obvious stomach that only t-shirts and tight superhero gear could hide. His face was rounder in certain areas and it was disgusting and he wished he could crave it off, because running or heaving was doing nothing and, god, he was starting to consider it almost too seriously.

They got to the mountain, Wally floated through Batman’s explanation of everything they witnessed, and he knew there had to be a good explanation for it. But after having already seen all of it he was bored and tired and felt Connor’s presence almost hyper sensitively. Every twitch felt like the other was ready to continue the topic and Wally didn’t want to because he didn’t know how he could keep it together in this state.

When the speech was done and the other two started to go clean up in the showers, Wally instead walked on tired feet towards the living room space. He didn’t want to be anywhere near Connor or anyone and he was just tired tired tired.

Wally ended up falling on the couch, drifting off to dreamland in full gear, barely sensing the distant feeling of hunger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to god that there's only gonna be one last final shitty and inappropriate (considering the amount of power these teens have) mission Batman's gonna send the team on.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roll in the explanation- I was on a trip during new years, and things hit pretty low after that. Family problems, relapse, depression, all kinds of great stuff. I thought a sort of, re-experience could at least in the tinniest way be positive by helping me with this fic, but no instead it discouraged me a lot. 
> 
> I'm doing better now and I finally got this written down, but it's not at all apart of my plan for how this fic was gonna go. Nothing important happens in this, it's short, and it's more like some in depth look of Wally's state. Literally there are no character interactions but just, an eventless thought mess. I'm a lot better at these than character interactions and it's what I mainly like to write but it's so, so boring so I know I could never make a fic out of that. I'll try to roll some events into the next one, and I'll try not to be 40 years late with it.

Out of all things Wally West has learned in his life, he didn’t really except hating his body to be one of them. He had never before downright hated it, he just saw the flaws before anything else and felt disgusting for them, but he’d never had this _itch_ to do something about them, especially with such… unusual methods. He knows other people do it too, but those people are labeled _sick, crazy, obsessive_ and he just doesn’t want to be seen as that. Every single opinion matters the world to him, if he’s too loud, if he’s doing good enough, if he’s thin enough. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not crazy and it doesn’t hurt him. But just in case other people wouldn’t understand that, he’s not very open about any of it.

The days blend together, Monday is Friday and Wednesday is the same as last week and the next. For Wally it was a surprise when vacation came around. His parents equally surprised at his confusion when they said he wouldn’t be going to school, they swore he’d be counting down days. They book a vacation to some sand covered country that reached degrees of hell, any layer of clothing felt like It’d set on fire while also sticking to your skin in the most uncomfortable way. Wally spent a good few days inside with the air conditioner blasting, complaining and repeating to Dick how freakishly hot it was every second. On the third day his parents forced him outside on the beach, where he sat in his t-shirt and shorts, being roasted in the sun. No matter how much his parents pestered him; he didn’t take off his shirt or go swimming. At one point at home when he had taken his shirt off, his mom had walked into his room and spent and uncomfortable minute staring before asking if he was ok. He refused to take it off after that. He felt disgusting, and he didn’t care if it’d give him a stupid tan-line or if the shirt actually set on fire, it wasn’t worth the looks of judgment he knew he’d get.

No matter how much he tried to tell himself his parents did this for him, probably planning for months, working and saving money, he just couldn’t help feeling like it was a punishment. One thing that came with vacations, were big restaurant meals. He tried to go through it with a smiling face for his parents but sometimes it became too much. The food lost it flavor, and all he was left with was the awful sensation of chewing as he poked and pinched at his gut, knowing exactly how much fat he’d get back and how big the scale number would become again. He’d excuse himself; wander down either to the bathroom or outside to lessen the suspicion. Cold night air, smooth bathroom floor, leaning against a brick wall, grabbing onto the toilet’s sides, whichever the place would be, he had to get rid of the mush at the bottom of his stomach and mouth, ready to be spit and thrown up.

That’s something he learned to finally do too, all it took was an hour of staring at his computer, anxiety bubbling in his body, before finally searching up the questions he needed answered. He’d either have to shove all the food in his mouth and down to his stomach as fast as he could to effectively make himself sick, or find just the right length where he could get himself to throw up with the press of fingers inside his throat. Of course with his powers and all, it took some testing of his powers and the speed of when his body would have already taken apart whatever he’d eaten.

He didn’t ask for his uncle for protein bars anymore. Of course he wasn’t stupid, he had simply asked for enough to storage somewhere so he could always take some. (The reality was that they were all thrown away.) He kept one in his suit for whenever his uncle or anyone else wanted to check if he had them, he was sure that at some point they’d stop asking once they’d realize he wasn’t so stupid as to forget anymore. The bar was so old though that if he ever did eat it he’d throw up anyway.

* * *

At some point, before the vacation, before he became too uncomfortable to be shirtless in front of anyone, he had been at the mountain changing out of his suit. It was slowly getting baggier and baggier on him, he’d been asking his uncle to get a smaller size for him somehow, taking great note of how much… bigger Uncle Barry seemed these days. Like he was a small child again looking up at his awesome uncle, which he didn’t really consider bad, he’d been thinner as a child and it was something he’d wish to be again.

But Robin walked in before he’d gotten his shirt on completely, with sudden nervousness he rushed to put it on and turned to the younger. Robin looked at him for a moment with a sort of wondering look, before simply saying “You’ve gotten thinner.”

That’s it, simple thing he had noted, the moment was over with the other walking away before Wally could even respond. But the thing was, Wally hadn’t _noticed_. He knew it wasn’t a _compliment_ , but his chest swelled with pride and the moment he got home he stared at himself in the mirror for a good hour, finally feeling like he had accomplished something, like he had finally done something right. Like his experiment had finally been validated and he was finally getting somewhere with it. But the pride never lasts forever and dinner comes around and he knows no matter how much he’ll smile and compliment his mom for the food, knowing fully well it’ll all be flushed down the drain as soon as he can excuse himself, he can’t get rid of the concerned look on his parents faces when he leaves. And he knows there’ll always be some pieces of food he couldn’t rid his body of; he knows some of them have already turned into the fat that covers every inch of it.

The thing about hating your body, it’s not a nice thing. It doesn’t magically motivate you to start exercising, taking on a diet of vegetables and water, completely modifying your lifestyle to get rid of that hatred. It’s a much more shameful feeling, you stop moving, you stop going outside, you don’t want people to see you and all the flaws that come with you. You can't change your lifestyle because you’re so stuck in the fear of the judgment of others and the shame you put on all the lumps of skin. It’s as if the food lessens on its own, how much you eat going with it. Everything lessens until you can only hope when you look in the cracked mirror you’ll see a thinner, less shameful person. You hope and you hope.

Wally used to never understand girls who were just so beautiful, but could sit there with a smile and a straight face, telling you they’re ugly and that you’re mistaken. But now whenever his mom calls him her “handsome boy” he takes an entire day just to ponder, what she might be seeing that he isn’t.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some time ago it came about that one of my best friends had an eating disorder. After some thinking I decided to scrap the original idea for this chapter and switch it up again. This time we're getting, for the first time, a look at everything from someone else's perspective. It's not very proper I know, but it's something I really wanted to do at some point. Hope I didn't disappoint, enjoy!

Even as a talented investigator, Dick was still a learning one, and so had not mastered the art of sitting down and thinking through things. With all the happenings on TV, every single clue being noticed on the spot and the whole plot was being unraveled during an action scene of all things, with a bomb going off in 5 minutes. (It was more like 20 if you counted though.) He was always on the move, trying to solve the case as if it was a competition. It went overboard when he started getting ideas and facts mixed up, and Bruce courtly told him to sit down and actually think. Letting the answers come to him instead of chasing after them, he thought the old man was crazy, but since it wasn’t really a case that had time on the line he didn’t protest too much.

It got boring quick though, he wasn’t getting anywhere. All he was allowed was all the evidence in front of him on the computer screen, and he just had to connect the dots in his head. Every conclusion was scraped for another, and then considering what actually happened none of them were really possible. He was sick and tired and considered sneaking out and taking a walk through the crime scene if anything new would come up. Or driving up to Wally’s house and looking for serenity and entertainment from his wacky ideas, which were borderline conspiracy theories.

Wally; The name tainted concern in his mind.

Something else that was going on beside petty murder was the Kid Flash losing his shine. Dick didn’t especially want to take unnecessary concern to Wally, because god knew what was going on with the guy, but he was starting to feel he spoke too soon.

It started with dumb mistakes on missions, which he still defended his best friend for, since no one else was really going to. But then the red-head started missing dinner, the fridge oddly full of Megan’s food, he being the only one who ate it in his free-time. He was fatigued from the smallest and easiest of missions, and Dick considered he had lost his mind the time he randomly laughed at that document. He thought it was a harsh comeback at Artemis after all their fights, considering her past and all. He asked Roy to interrogate the boy for him, and according to him there was stress going on, but he didn’t give out details because well, Wally confided in Roy.

Dick thought it was all said and done with that, he’d go back to normal, eating, laughing and kicking bad-guy ass like normal. Then Conner was pissed off at him and Megan was concerned and they both spoke of a mission the three went on. Apparently there was more skipping on food he’d normally run across the world to get, then feeling misunderstood,

and well, there was that time at the changing rooms. Dick watched the boy undress from the door frame (in a non-creepy way, mind you) noting the fidgeting and nervousness. Then he took off his shirt and Dick had to blink twice to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Wally was thinner, a lot thinner. His bones stung through his skin, which looked all too tight on him now. He could count all the boys ribs, hell, he could use him as a biology skeleton if he lost anymore weight. It was understandable for a second; Dick was a bony kid himself from all the crime-fighting. But he had muscle, bone and muscle on his thin frame, and the red-head was just skin and bone. He couldn’t get a good look at his legs under his baggy pants, but they were baggy, so his legs were probably skinny too.

After that, Dick sort of acted without thinking, he walked in with his face all wrong, and freaking noted out loud how the other boy had gotten thinner. He guessed it was some unconscious test, watching from the corner of his eye for the red-heads reaction. Wally stood in place, dumbfounded maybe, before looking down his body. He looked happy, his face painting with more color and emotion than it had in weeks, or maybe even ever. Well, Dick thought anyone would be happy if they were called skinny. But he couldn’t imagine how anyone could be happy when they were crossing the line of underweight, body more like of a skeleton than healthy humans.

It concerned Dick more than anything else before had, but he buried his concerns under more important manners like cases and being Robin. But here he was, distracted as ever from those things, because he was scared out of his mind for Wally. Something was going on with his teammate- his _best friend_ , and he couldn’t pin point it. His best friend was always so happy, so alive than anyone else; it felt wrong to label him with any of the explanations running in his mind.

He decided he couldn’t keep this to himself. But Roy was too harsh and would act out immediately, he considered Alfred, but didn’t know if it was too personal to Wally. His mood struck a foul point when he realized all the others wouldn’t either care or wouldn’t know what to do. How were they not prepared for this? For the fall of a teammate- How were they so unprepared and unable to help? Artemis handled her problems on her own as a lone wolf, a loner in a team, but Wally was a tough string in the middle and he was falling apart, and it was affecting _everyone_.

The raven-head decided on Kaldur, if anything, he could tell the boy to look out for Wally while he figured out a way to confront his best friend that didn’t involve him coming off as an unsympathetic asshole. Or worse; making Wally feel like he was sick and wrong because he must already feel even lower than any of those things.

Dick briefly considered the motion _“let the answers come to you”_ , but he was afraid Wally wouldn’t live long enough to do that. Once that thought came so did the tears, it was possibly the most pathetic scene. The boy wonder crying because he was overthinking and his best friend was in danger and he hadn’t noticed. He felt helpless but Wally must feel even worse, any emotion he could reach; fear, insecurity, doubt, _misery_ , Wally had already crossed all of them at once long before he got sick.

Someone came down the elevator, and from the smell of fresh food and home he knew it was Alfred. Forget personal things, he ended up confessing all his fears the second the older man was by his side. It was like he was a little kid again, they talked, he calmed down, he ate, they decided what he should do and how he should make sure the situation didn’t escalate and become worse. He left the forgotten case for another time, getting to bed for the night. And when he closed his eyes, he swore to god he was going to do something.

 

* * *

 

“You’re saying he has an eating disorder?”

“Key word: _might_. All the signs fit but I feel wrong to label when I haven’t heard it from him straight.”

Looking up at Kaldur all seriously made Dick feel small, but the team-leader had to know about his suspicions to help figure out and support Wally.

“He hasn’t talked to you?”

The raven-head chewed at his lip, possibly picking up from Wally, and shook his head. His shades hid his mixture of disappointment, concern and sadness, but Kaldur could tell he was serious about the situation. He leaned against the counter of the kitchen and sighed, the hard work of being a leader. He didn’t have much experience in the situation and wasn’t really prepared for the laughing speedster of the team to fall so low. He couldn’t comfort Robin in his obvious distress, much less Wally. In some ways he knew something was happening, from the complaints of other teammates, the fall behinds and gloomy aura covering the whole group. How had it come to this? How didn’t anyone else more experienced notice? Black Canary, Wally’s parents, maybe even Artemis? And most important of all-

“What are we going to do?”

Dick breathed in and gathered himself for a moment before explaining his idea; they give Wally a little time. Kaldur takes note of all signs he sees, Robin covers up for his mess ups, and slowly they try to get him to eat, and if possible, talk about the situation. Kaldur took on the responsibility of calming the rest of the team if things get out of hand, but their suspicions would stay between them. There wasn’t any need for extra concern, and the other teammates were unknowing and unpredictable. For Wally’s sake, they wouldn’t inform his parents yet either. If they could figure the situation further or help him themselves, it wasn’t necessary to set off big alarms.

Wally might have an eating disorder, key word: might. It was scary and unfamiliar territory, and they felt just a bit more distant from the happy boy they once thought they knew well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick apology if you feel Dick was a bit too emotional and out of character here. But if you ask me, finding out your best friend might have an eating disorder is scary as hell. When you notice the signs it's hard not to jump to any scary conclusions. There's a terrifying chain of events of concern, not knowing, confrontation and trying to help. Especially when you know the dangers and you're in such a bad situation yourself but you know you have to forcefully pick yourself up the tinniest bit to help your friend. (Guess this is sort of a vent chapter then, oops.)  
> Also I'm generally terrible at writing Kaldur too, so extra apologies for that.

**Author's Note:**

> Repeating what I said at the beginning if you skipped over it, I'm really hoping to continue this. Not sure exactly how long it'll be, but I at least have ideas for a couple more chapters. (Hopefully longer ones because sheesh the shortness of this.)
> 
> If you liked this, leaving kudos or a comment could really help me get the motivation to continue, but you do whatever you're comfortable with. And if uh, you would absolutely not want this to continue and have declared this an abomination against all that is pure and peaceful, then sorry I guess. If this continues all blame is on me, man.


End file.
